Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Travelling without moving

On a personal note, I’m going through a super rough patch. It's ironic that in my last post, I seem like the picture of success. But I'm pretty much left for dead on the inside, and I can only force myself to put on a smile for the world and, in the words of Go West, pretend my ship's not sinking.

I’m currently dealing with the aftermath of an extremely ugly breakup. Over the past month I have seen things I did not need to see, heard things I did not need to hear, sensed things I should have never ignored.

It’s painful that no matter how and whatever ways I’ve tried to cope with the situation, it can still come around and bite me in the arse even harder. It's so true how it's always the good guys who lose out in the end.

What’s worse is that after all has been said and done, no matter how unadvisable it is to turn back, I catch myself doing just that. The desperate desire to make amends when it's obviously way past the point of repair. Trying my best not to shoulder responsibilities that weren’t mine, trying not to regret, trying not to excavate a resolution or any sense of logic through the carnage. It’s the first time in my existence that hope is seen as such a bad thing to have.

It’s strange how it only takes an experience as immense and intense as this to make you read the conditions of Life in fine print. And it’s astounding how all it can take is just one person to send your whole life crashing down in flames. The hurt I’m going through right now is a riveting one that I’ve ever felt before; it mutilates every aspect of my being – mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and the miscellaneous cracks in between. It’s that all-consuming force that can so easily render all of my blessings meaningless if I allow it to.

It intimidates me and yet it comforts me, knowing that I am capable of investing all of my strength and faith into that occasionally fraudulent little institution the people call Love.

There’s no shortcut out of this funk, and that's really retarded.

At least there’s still a dog waiting for me to come home tonight.

8 Comments:

Blogger Dallas Diaries said...

its kinda odd. I was told this old cliche line:

"When one door closes, another one opens".

Im marrying the guy who told me that 3 years ago during my rough patch.

2:43 PM  
Blogger albert said...

I give you hug.

3:01 AM  
Blogger Jack said...

just another chapter of life.. *hugz* be brave we got ur back.. i think.. lolx.. kidding.. cheer up okie..

4:42 PM  
Blogger Inaesb said...

Cheer up. :) Take walks in the park, bask in the magnitude of solitude. Smell the flowers..don't worry about losing your mind. When you lose your mind, you come to your senses. :D

9:02 PM  
Anonymous midnite lily said...

*hugs*

z: i read somewhere that some women want to have kids because they want someone to love them unconditionally.

lee: then get a dog!

=P

9:59 PM  
Blogger saintvamp said...

I know its late but just be strong dear. There is always a guardian angel that holds you up when you fall. ^_^

7:57 PM  
Blogger disco-very said...

pri,
you're a prime example of how things just fall into place. thank you for the support :)

albert,
i hug you back.

jack,
safe to say that my online mates are always around. thanks!

inaesb,
i have a feeling that your term, 'magnitude of solitude', will help me a lot for months to come. thank you for that :)

midnite lily,
when i was younger, i told my parents that i didn't want to marry - i wanted to grow old by myself and have dogs for children. i think i scared them a great deal. but after what i've gone through, i really don't mind falling back on that again. :)

saintvamp,
trying my best... thanks dude.

5:23 PM  
Blogger Leon KJ said...

One word: Rebound :)

11:30 PM  

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