Thursday, May 12, 2005

Revenge of the Retards

I think last Sunday was Retard Day.

RETARD #1: MALAYSIAN IDIOT
My family was discouraging me from going for the Malaysian Idol auditions, particularly my sister's boyfriend. He advised me not to do it for fun - that if I wanted to take part then I should go for vocal lessons and rock the judges next year, instead of ruining my burgeoning potential pseudo-celebrity reputation. He had a point there, but what he didn't understand was that I had a reputation to keep.

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I coerced my friend Stephanie into waking up at some ungodly hour to make our way to Berjaya Times Square early enough to beat the crowd.

We arrived there at 7.30am, and I can modestly say that we did a fairly good job.

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The registration booth opened at about 9am, and we were told that the doors to the waiting room would open at about 10-ish, so waited we did, and the crowd started trickling in.

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The tv station crew made their rounds picking out random people and making them sing for the camera and everyone else present. Stephanie and I sighed with relief when they looked in our direction and pointed at a fellow sitting right next to us. He sang Josh Groban's "Where You Are," bottle microphone and superhero cape included for dramatic effect.

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The doors to the waiting room opened at 10.15am, and several queues were formed for candidates to get their audition numbers. Stephanie and my numbers were among the first called out in the waiting room, to be included in the first batch of wannabes for the day.

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Stephanie was planning to sing Taylor Dane's take on Barry White's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love". (Ok, the office radio just started playing that song as I typed his name. I am Jean Grey.) I was still deciding on whether to sing Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke", George Michael's "Freedom" or Jamiroquai's "Return of the Space Cowboy". I sang all three to Stephanie, and she preferred the last one. But as we were ushered up to another floor to wait outside the first audition room, I decided vocal power over tunefulness, and went in to perform 'Freedom' in front of the preliminary elimination crew. I regretted it the moment I opened my mouth. I managed to hold my notes, but I sounded like I stepped out fresh from a meat freezer room. I didn't expect to be so nervous, since I've done stupider things in front of a camera. Stephanie went in right after me, and after both we were done, we were asked to remain sitting outside until our batch was done.

We were then all asked to enter another room that had a table facing a bunch of chairs. After we seated ourselves down, a crew man came in and asked casually who was not from Kuala Lumpur and had travelled down just for the auditions. The guy next to me put up his hand. He also asked if anyone had 'interesting jobs'. Noone answered. The guy then told the first row to stand up, and asked about 80% to step forward, Steph and I included. The crew guy informed the last two guys standing behind us - including the out-of-town guy next to me - that they had made it through the preliminaries. Misunderstanding the guy's muffled Malay, I squealed with delight and planted a big smack on Steph's cheek. I suspect she and many other people thereafter wanted to smack me back in a different manner.

Steph and I were feeling a tad disappointed; we weren't intending to win, nor even make it to the final 100. It would have been at least a little cool to hear feedback from the three actual judges. The losers from our batch theorized that the success rate would be higher if you were young, not working, and came a long way from home (which explained the crew man's probing questions in the elimination room). Plus, we were not bad enough to be entertaining.

We comforted each other and parted ways, knowing that everyone is, in our hearts and Paula Abdul's ever-hopeful mind, an Idol.

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Retardation rating: 67% Must try harder next year to get myself performing Ren & Stimpy's 'Happy Happy Joy Joy Song' on national television.


RETARD #2: HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY
After the audtions, Stephanie needed to pay her bills at a bank in Ampang, so we hailed a cab driven by an fat elderly Chinese guy. We got in.

Translated from Malay where applicable, this was the dialogue that ensued:

*Cabbie starts conversing in Mandarin*
Steph: Eeerr, we don't speak Chinese.
Cabbie: YOU DON'T SPEAK CHINESE AARR?
Dav: No...
Cabbie: YOU NOT CHINESE?
Steph: Uh, we are.
Cabbie: YOU MALAY AARR?
Steph: Erm, no.
Cabbie: ... YOU ARAB?
Steph: No. We're Chinese.
*Cabbie asks question in Mandarin*
Steph: We don't speak Chinese.
Cabbie: YOU NO SPEAK MANDARIN AARR?
Steph: No.
CABBIE: CANTONESE?
Dav: No.
Cabbie: HOKKIEN?
Steph & Dav: No.
Cabbie: ... BUT YOU CHINESE!
Dav: We Chinese, we don't speak Chinese!
Cabbie: HAH?!?... WHY ARR? MUUUST SPEAK!
*Steph and Dav look and each other and laugh uncomfortably, cabbie turns around quickly to look at passengers*
Cabbie: YOOOUUU... GOT BOYFRIEND?
Steph: Eer, yeah...
Cabbie: CHINESE AARR?
Steph: ...White.
Cabbie: HAH!?!? WHITE MAN AARR??
*Steph laughs*
Cabbie: BOTH OF YOU?
*Dav looks nervously at Steph*
Dav: ...Ya!
Cabbie: WAAAHHHH... WHITE MAN! MY HAIR STAND ON END ALREADY! I VERY SCARED OF WHITE MAN!
Steph: (In hushed tone) Just play along, ok?
*Dav nods*
Cabbie: GETTING MARRIED OR NOT?
Steph: Uh, not yet!
*Cabbie turns around to check out passengers*
Cabbie: WAAAHH, YOU GIRLS VERY PRETTY!
*Dav and Steph laugh nervously, cabbie continues to ogle as vehicle stops at traffic light*
Cabbie: WAAAHHH... YOU GIRLS VEEEEERRRY PRETTY.
*Cabbie starts making strange noises and looks at car waiting next to his*
Cabbie: THOSE TWO GIRLS IN THAT OTHER CAR... VEEERY PRETTY ALSO!
*Dav and Steph laugh nervously*
Cabbie: WHAT YOU GOING TO BANK FOR? PUT MONEY IN?
Steph: No, pay money out!
Cabbie: OOOOOHHHHH...
*Cabbie stops car outside bank and leers at passengers*
Cabbie: WAAAAHHH, BOTH YOU GIRLS SOOOOO PRETTY...
*Cabbie starts making strange noises again and smacks his lips*
Dav: Uhhh... thank you!?
*Dav and Steph bolt out of cab door and run out screaming*

Retardation rating: 93% Dirty old men say the darndest things.


RETARD #3 WHO'S THE ANIMAL?
My sister's boyfriend was taking one of my family dogs out for a walk in our neighborhood when he came across a plastic bag that was rustling next to a dustin, as though something was moving inside. He opened it to find 3 newborn kittens: furless, blind and silently screaming in hunger. He took them back to his apartment, and is temporarily taking care of them whilst seeking a new worthy owner for them. If anyone is looking for a new feline pet/s, please let me know. (It would sorta help that you're not numbskulled enough to believe that anything tied up in a plastic bag and left by the kerb will instantaneously transform into lifeless trash.)

Retardation rating: 434% I've been ambitiously outdone, and for once I can't find a reason to feel insulted.

15 Comments:

Blogger cyber-red said...

lemme tell u a secret; 2 teams are divided, one that have good singing abilities, the other have 'entertaining, dramatic' abilities. then they will sort out which to show to the 3 main judges. take your pick. if wanna be dramatic, you could, then can appear on tv =)

another secret, new promo has a guy imitating goth marilyn manson =P

10:09 PM  
Blogger rei said...

I would have gone with you to that Malaysian Idol thing! As your personal support group, I suppose, since I'm not Malaysian.

As for dirty old cabbies: I got an Indian guy once who wanted to know why I wasn't married yet ... at the age of 21. Then he told me that in some families, a girl was "offered" to her uncles first before she was allowed to get married. Skeeze Factor: 10,000+ and counting!

1:40 PM  
Anonymous crystal said...

I laughed obnoxiously & retardedly.
Today's post enthraled me.
;0)
Hope you're doing good earthling.
Tsssk. Tsssk.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Muddy said...

That cabbie was hilarious!!! hahahah...if i knew that cabbie's these days are that funny, i would have ditched my car and ride public transport everyday!

and *hug* on msian idol thing. i didn't make it either. :( but no worries. Azimy is in this year so get ready to make 'em posters! hehehe...

1:07 AM  
Blogger Aeric said...

Came across your blog by 'accident'. I can empathize with the not speaking Chinese either. I cheated my way out though ... I moved to Japan :p

11:00 AM  
Blogger KaiserSoze said...

Re : malaysian Idol-you know what, I admire people who are confident enough just to try, so good luck next year.

Re : old cabby guy :- am laughing while reading it. What a good monday morning antidote.

Re: Kittens, wish I could take them in but wifey and I are already up to our necks with or 7 cats...it makes me really angry when I hear abt how cruel man can be..

8:39 AM  
Blogger HabitualDamnation said...

a bit on the classy side are we. a dirty old cabby will separate the sheltered from the pelted. you have been judged.

but nice one with the singin gig. right choice on jamiroquai too. ciao.

12:10 PM  
Anonymous ah pink said...

You actually went for the audition? Respect.

3:59 PM  
Anonymous SongBear said...

Ha ha, Bear laughed till little round furry ears twitched.

No wonder you asked which Stef.

8:59 PM  
Blogger disco-very said...

cyber-red, thanks for the tip. looking more at the 'entertaining, dramatic' side from this day forth.

Rei, thanks woman, and ugh, did he mean 'uncle' in a literal by-blood sense? in whatever case, these wankers are gross.

Hi Crystal! thanks for dropping by *waves*

Muddy, sorry to hear about you facing the same fate i did. but yeah i heard about Zimy! must get my cassette tape ready, and i can promise you my banners will kick absolute ass.

aeric, since you can't see me right now, i can safely assure you that my skin has turned an unflattering lime green. hope the weather's fine there.

kaisersoze, thanks about your thoughts on the cats, and may you take good care of your wife and 'babies'. :)

habitualdamnation, yes jamiroquai is my essence.

ah pink, not respect... just retardation.

song bear, i love how your round furry ears twitch. nice chatting with you!

6:14 PM  
Blogger oh-jon said...

"I am Jean Grey."

Haha! Best line I've read all day.

You made me swallow several unhealthily large chunks of carrot.

5:57 PM  
Blogger random-girl said...

i will never have the guts to audition. rock on for auditioning!

and gotta love em cabbies. geez.

as for the poor little kittens, who could do such a thing? argh!

2:00 PM  
Blogger Fashionasia said...

I think if you dress like the jap gal with your Kawaii....you would probably make the audition.......dress up girl...
My colleague who actually could sing quite well too didnt make the first cut even....how sad.

5:42 PM  
Blogger disco-very said...

jon,
i'm sorry, I can help subsidize your medical bill.

random-girl,
auditioning ain't half as bad as you think. if you're considering a shot at it next year, we can meet up: i'll be the one clad in the giant banana costume.

fashionasia,
refer to above comment, but may require sponsorship for the rubber foam and yellow felt.
the standards are really strange. i heard a girl singing like an rnb diva and she didn't make it either. hmm.

6:23 PM  
Blogger eg9 said...

Hello disco'... came by cos a friend found a photo of my back on your blog and posted it on their blog at patsanitarium.blogspot.com ... Pleased to meet ya :)

To Aeric: Heyas! Whaddaya doin here also?

11:07 PM  

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