Revenge of the Retards

I think last Sunday was Retard Day.

RETARD #1: MALAYSIAN IDIOT
My family was discouraging me from going for the Malaysian Idol auditions, particularly my sister's boyfriend. He advised me not to do it for fun - that if I wanted to take part then I should go for vocal lessons and rock the judges next year, instead of ruining my burgeoning potential pseudo-celebrity reputation. He had a point there, but what he didn't understand was that I had a reputation to keep.



I coerced my friend Stephanie into waking up at some ungodly hour to make our way to Berjaya Times Square early enough to beat the crowd.

We arrived there at 7.30am, and I can modestly say that we did a fairly good job.



The registration booth opened at about 9am, and we were told that the doors to the waiting room would open at about 10-ish, so waited we did, and the crowd started trickling in.




The tv station crew made their rounds picking out random people and making them sing for the camera and everyone else present. Stephanie and I sighed with relief when they looked in our direction and pointed at a fellow sitting right next to us. He sang Josh Groban's "Where You Are," bottle microphone and superhero cape included for dramatic effect.



The doors to the waiting room opened at 10.15am, and several queues were formed for candidates to get their audition numbers. Stephanie and my numbers were among the first called out in the waiting room, to be included in the first batch of wannabes for the day.



Stephanie was planning to sing Taylor Dane's take on Barry White's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love". (Ok, the office radio just started playing that song as I typed his name. I am Jean Grey.) I was still deciding on whether to sing Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke", George Michael's "Freedom" or Jamiroquai's "Return of the Space Cowboy". I sang all three to Stephanie, and she preferred the last one. But as we were ushered up to another floor to wait outside the first audition room, I decided vocal power over tunefulness, and went in to perform 'Freedom' in front of the preliminary elimination crew. I regretted it the moment I opened my mouth. I managed to hold my notes, but I sounded like I stepped out fresh from a meat freezer room. I didn't expect to be so nervous, since I've done stupider things in front of a camera. Stephanie went in right after me, and after both we were done, we were asked to remain sitting outside until our batch was done.

We were then all asked to enter another room that had a table facing a bunch of chairs. After we seated ourselves down, a crew man came in and asked casually who was not from Kuala Lumpur and had travelled down just for the auditions. The guy next to me put up his hand. He also asked if anyone had 'interesting jobs'. Noone answered. The guy then told the first row to stand up, and asked about 80% to step forward, Steph and I included. The crew guy informed the last two guys standing behind us - including the out-of-town guy next to me - that they had made it through the preliminaries. Misunderstanding the guy's muffled Malay, I squealed with delight and planted a big smack on Steph's cheek. I suspect she and many other people thereafter wanted to smack me back in a different manner.

Steph and I were feeling a tad disappointed; we weren't intending to win, nor even make it to the final 100. It would have been at least a little cool to hear feedback from the three actual judges. The losers from our batch theorized that the success rate would be higher if you were young, not working, and came a long way from home (which explained the crew man's probing questions in the elimination room). Plus, we were not bad enough to be entertaining.

We comforted each other and parted ways, knowing that everyone is, in our hearts and Paula Abdul's ever-hopeful mind, an Idol.



Retardation rating: 67% Must try harder next year to get myself performing Ren & Stimpy's 'Happy Happy Joy Joy Song' on national television.


RETARD #2: HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY
After the audtions, Stephanie needed to pay her bills at a bank in Ampang, so we hailed a cab driven by an fat elderly Chinese guy. We got in.

Translated from Malay where applicable, this was the dialogue that ensued:

*Cabbie starts conversing in Mandarin*
Steph: Eeerr, we don't speak Chinese.
Cabbie: YOU DON'T SPEAK CHINESE AARR?
Dav: No...
Cabbie: YOU NOT CHINESE?
Steph: Uh, we are.
Cabbie: YOU MALAY AARR?
Steph: Erm, no.
Cabbie: ... YOU ARAB?
Steph: No. We're Chinese.
*Cabbie asks question in Mandarin*
Steph: We don't speak Chinese.
Cabbie: YOU NO SPEAK MANDARIN AARR?
Steph: No.
CABBIE: CANTONESE?
Dav: No.
Cabbie: HOKKIEN?
Steph & Dav: No.
Cabbie: ... BUT YOU CHINESE!
Dav: We Chinese, we don't speak Chinese!
Cabbie: HAH?!?... WHY ARR? MUUUST SPEAK!
*Steph and Dav look and each other and laugh uncomfortably, cabbie turns around quickly to look at passengers*
Cabbie: YOOOUUU... GOT BOYFRIEND?
Steph: Eer, yeah...
Cabbie: CHINESE AARR?
Steph: ...White.
Cabbie: HAH!?!? WHITE MAN AARR??
*Steph laughs*
Cabbie: BOTH OF YOU?
*Dav looks nervously at Steph*
Dav: ...Ya!
Cabbie: WAAAHHHH... WHITE MAN! MY HAIR STAND ON END ALREADY! I VERY SCARED OF WHITE MAN!
Steph: (In hushed tone) Just play along, ok?
*Dav nods*
Cabbie: GETTING MARRIED OR NOT?
Steph: Uh, not yet!
*Cabbie turns around to check out passengers*
Cabbie: WAAAHH, YOU GIRLS VERY PRETTY!
*Dav and Steph laugh nervously, cabbie continues to ogle as vehicle stops at traffic light*
Cabbie: WAAAHHH... YOU GIRLS VEEEEERRRY PRETTY.
*Cabbie starts making strange noises and looks at car waiting next to his*
Cabbie: THOSE TWO GIRLS IN THAT OTHER CAR... VEEERY PRETTY ALSO!
*Dav and Steph laugh nervously*
Cabbie: WHAT YOU GOING TO BANK FOR? PUT MONEY IN?
Steph: No, pay money out!
Cabbie: OOOOOHHHHH...
*Cabbie stops car outside bank and leers at passengers*
Cabbie: WAAAAHHH, BOTH YOU GIRLS SOOOOO PRETTY...
*Cabbie starts making strange noises again and smacks his lips*
Dav: Uhhh... thank you!?
*Dav and Steph bolt out of cab door and run out screaming*

Retardation rating: 93% Dirty old men say the darndest things.


RETARD #3 WHO'S THE ANIMAL?
My sister's boyfriend was taking one of my family dogs out for a walk in our neighborhood when he came across a plastic bag that was rustling next to a dustin, as though something was moving inside. He opened it to find 3 newborn kittens: furless, blind and silently screaming in hunger. He took them back to his apartment, and is temporarily taking care of them whilst seeking a new worthy owner for them. If anyone is looking for a new feline pet/s, please let me know. (It would sorta help that you're not numbskulled enough to believe that anything tied up in a plastic bag and left by the kerb will instantaneously transform into lifeless trash.)

Retardation rating: 434% I've been ambitiously outdone, and for once I can't find a reason to feel insulted.