Friday, October 07, 2005

Doncha wish your girlfriend was daft like me

If you're a ultra-hip and super-happening social butterfly, you gotta have the poser facade that goes with it. But the denizens of Retardation Nation, bless their selfless ways, don't abide by this rule to keep the rest of the world looking good. At events where the press are invited, photographers are trained to be ruthless with their triggers and may catch you in the most unflattering angles and expressions. Let's give 'em what they want.

EXHIBIT A
Awww, lookie here. Someone's been honored as 'Creature of the Night'. Man, those eye bags sure come in handy.

Now, look closely. What is wrong with the pose in that picture...
Perhaps, nothing?
MY POINT EXACTLY.
The classic hand-on-one-hip pose is sassy, demure and irritatingly mediocre. In fact, it's so banal, check out the other chicks on the page:
I went on a depressive 3-day Pringle binge after the photograph was taken, knowing that I did absolute jack to promote my culture. Time for an overhaul.

Tips:
- An attempt to blend into your surroundings is a wasted trip out of the house.
- Do not contradict what you wear.

Anti-poser rating: 1/5 (Credit given for cowprint pants)


EXHIBIT B
Here are a bunch of happy campers at the Malaysian MTV VJ Hunt.
What's the first thing you notice in this picture?
a) Guy with cool afro
b) Guy with cool pink tee
c) 'SUAKU' RETARD HOLDING GIRL WITH BIG BOOBIES
(Yes, that was a rhetorical question.)

I was elated when I created enough of a commotion to be featured twice.
VJ Denise only got one picture. Which means I got double the exposure than a celebrity herself. Sometimes it's hard to believe how much I rock.

Tips:
- There is no such thing as embarrassment at a public audition.
- Learn to accessorize to the best of your ability. Badged-up sling bags are out. Ample-chested sisters are in.

Anti-poser rating: 3/5 (Vast improvement, can afford to loosen more screws)


EXHIBIT C
Yet another generic beast unleashed from the fiery gates of hell. Where is that darn Buffy when you need her?
The photographer guy actually ran in my direction the moment I initiated my crazy frog riverdance routine. Revelling in my commanding presence, I felt like the world was putty in my robust hands.

Tips:
- Androgyny demands attention.
- Experiment with the versatility of the classic white shirt.
- The bid to promote mineral water at a beer-sponsored event is a lost cause but a commendable effort.

Anti-poser rating: 5/5 (Trust from Retardation Nation regained.)

15 Comments:

Anonymous ah pink said...

Girlfriend, you should study how celebs do it on the red carpet! You'll never go wrong with the head over shoulder with back to camera pose.

=)

4:36 PM  
Blogger mob1900 said...

I have absolutely no idea what you're yakking about, 'cept you look daft lying on the floor giving the thumbs-up! Must be some fashion-rating article you pick up from Allure or Cosmo...;)

Mooo...

4:47 PM  
Blogger cyber-red said...

the many faces of davina - DAMN, you're talented!! =))

10:51 PM  
Blogger Albert said...

Suaku = jakun, betterer term innit.

Yay now you have like free perfume! I wonder if perfume promoters will still spray you for free after knowing you smell expensive. I wonder too, if it will overpower the muskiness of male perfume.

1:07 AM  
Blogger Oreos said...

in exhibit b, i thought you missed option (d) the girl with the big boobies.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous evan said...

phwoarrrr....you always seem to be winning something left and right. damn i want ur lucky streak.

it's only daft that u r not in the finals for the mtv hunnt.

3:10 AM  
Anonymous sub said...

what frog?

4:12 AM  
Blogger Jack0 said...

geee....

*hands-up*
go davina
go davina
go davina

*hands-wave*
go davina
go davina
yeah

(^.^)v
lol...

2:44 PM  
Blogger burn666 said...

LOVE those cow pants!!! :)

Where'd you get 'em anyway???

4:23 PM  
Blogger disco-very said...

ah pink,
thanks for the tip, but the whole idea is for me to *go* wrong. :P

mob1900,
allure and cosmo, not really. mad magazine, perhaps. *moos back*

cyber-red,
it's not a talent, it's a gift! hallelujah.

albert,
i was considering 'jakun', but i was scared of not explaining the term very well. i ended up finding a link for the equivalent.
btw, the perfume doesn't really go well with my skin. :P

oreos,
i wouldn't want a girl with big boobies to steal my thunder. it explains the chokehold.

evan,
thanks, but it's no biggie. i normally don't expect much out of these things apart from having a good time. want my lucky streak? refer to above article. good luck! ;D

sub,
the crazy frog, that's what! i can give you a free demonstration.

jack0,
uh... yay, go me! hey, i'm starting to feel the love already. thanks. :)

burn666,
hehe thanks! it's a pair of Hot Tunas i got from 1U a very long time ago. it was such a steal because no-one seemed to want them. i can't understand why.

6:37 PM  
Blogger oh-jon said...

That last photo is money! I also liked the ample-sister photo, for major facial expressivenessitiousity.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Amakanchi said...

Those cow pants even made it into the newspaper ;)...remember?

4:16 AM  
Blogger burn666 said...

D: Me neither... ;)

Still, if you ever do manage to spot another pair of cow print pants/shirts/underwear gimme a holler 'k? :p

Seriously!

11:22 AM  
Blogger disco-very said...

oh-jon,
thank you for making me feel some form of self-value. i like the ample-chested picture too. i like boobies.

amakanchi,
hahaha how can i forget? ;) you know what? this is the first time i was wearing these pants out since you last saw them at the jamiroquai concert. they brought back gooooooood memories.

burn666,
wow, you *are* serious! will do. we cows gotta stick togedder-gedder.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Albert said...

Say, would you happen to know if chicks dig guys with female perfume?

3:15 PM  

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