Thursday, March 09, 2006

Civil duty

Some of you are already familiar with my previous post which has provoked the following comment. I deleted the message, firstly because it was not in relation to the post and secondly, because I didn't want to let things get personal on my blog. But the intention of that person was to make his or her comment public, and I shan't deny such a privilege.

Plus, the attempt to clarify may culminate into a round of mud-wrestling, and I'm always up for that.

I present to you, unabashedly, the latest comment in my blog. Unedited.

anonymous said...

Re: April 2005 post

Perhaps you forgot to mention in your one-sided story to the masses what you did in the days just before you and him got together?

Does making out with a certain guy from college in his car ring a bell?
And being caught doing it too. And you knew R really cared a lot for you then.

What about when you walked to his house in the rain to apologise for that?

His heart was broken, but yet he let you back in.

Nah, it probably got lost somewhere in your post - when you found out that he did the same thing to you.

It is always easy to say you were the victim, and all humans can easily fall into that trap - after all, we are only human.

But think again in those 'rough' months you mentioned. You scolded him for calling you when you were at work. And after he learned not to interrupt you during work hours, you were still annoyed at him eventhough he tried to time his one call per day to you at lunchtime. Just to find out how you were doing.

You asked him to count how many times he swore a day and report it to you.

Through all this, he would still pick you up almost everyday from work in a means to ease your family's burden. He also tried to see you for lunch everyday. He tried his best to pamper you but was met with stony if not stubborn resistance.

He put up with your mother's incessant insults to him and your family's refusal to accept his existence.

He also, at any point, never forced himself on you to have sex because he respected your beliefs.

I speak on behalf of him as a good friend who has known him for a long time and also because it was your friend who 'heard' he cheated on you. I am also familiar with this because he confided in me a lot. I told him about your blog entry and he said it sounded 'one-sided' and that was all. He did not want to react or even read it because he said it was over but I'm choosing to set some things straight.

He will never deny that he cheated on you. He admits it but not proudly. If it is any consolation - he ended it with that girl before he ended it with you.

He knew he was wrong for the same reasons you knew you were wrong when you were hanging/making out with that guy. That people should not look to another just because they can't get the correct kind of attention they need.

He will also never deny that he loved you with all his heart and soul but was met with disappointment. He felt you distanced yourself from him when you started working and put him much lower on your priority list. He tried for more than three months to stick it out, but in the end got confused (cheated) and lost patience (ended it with you) because it didn't look like you were trying very hard.

I have no sympathy for him or you - that you must understand. He already paid the price before he went steady with you.

Karma's already gone one full circle. You were the one who started it.

My turn.

I played with his heart, and he found out.
I came back to him and redeemed myself by giving him mine.
End of one karma cycle.

Yes, I made out with a guy. It's a mistake, which on my behalf, I have wholeheartedly accepted. See, the reason why I strayed was because he was not giving me space even before we got together. I knew R cared for me a lot yes, and I did too, but he was already starting to show signs of insecurities. I didn't know him well enough at that time to understand him. I stayed by his side because I didn't want to lose him as a friend, which lead to his feelings intensifying. I was scared and confused, and I sought refuge with a friend, whom I ended up caring for too. The reason why this was not mentioned in my post is because but this chapter was a book on its own. It is a story which, if I'm not mistaken, was even made into a highly-acclaimed descriptive piece which, upon the lecturer's request, was read out aloud by the author himself in front of a Feature Writing class in college. Although there was no reference to me whatsoever, his audience did the math and it has gotten people talking about me to this day. Nevertheless, I'm not ashamed of being human, and I have learned my lesson well.

Let's remind ourselves about the gist: I let him into my life. He let me into mine. Fair trade.

The irony in the situation is that the one person who taught me and demonstrated the greatness of commitment was the same person who pulled the rug from under my feet.

Priorities change as one goes through the different stages in life. From seeing a guy 24/7 to being thrown into an environment where deadlines rule and employers oppress, it's hard to devote whatever is left of your energy to friends, family, and love, let alone keep a cool head at the office. I'm sure you are familiar with the scenario. But it was a first for me, as well as it was for him.

As for the way I was, being uptight, I come from a background that has built itself on very staunch, traditional beliefs. His life was spent on another side of the spectrum. It didn't help that we entered the relationship with naïve impression of the mechanics behind it - after all, it was the first for both of us. Our personalities clicked like chalk and cheese. Our respective habitual and behavioral nature were constantly at each other's throats. Understanding and helping with each other's shortcomings, as well as the inevitable act of compromise, was always a challenge. I also abhorred the way my family treated him. My folks indeed have had a reputation for being ludicrously unmerciful to all who get close to me, but it was futile to deny their influence on my life as a daughter. I was torn between taking their advice 'for my own good', and accepting him for the way he was. He and I, and everyone around us, knew that we were both so different from each other, and some days were massively hard to cope with, but we stayed on hoping that something good will come from it.

I was the only person at that point of his life who took the trouble to see him as more than what people saw him as. And I was glad I was there for him when he had no-one else to turn to. I stayed on when I was the easiest target for his frustrations and bouts of hopelessness, despite my friends convincing me that it wasn't worth it.

Unfortunately, the toxic clash of values and beliefs, infused with a conflict between loyalty to family and love for him, persisted at the expense of our relationship. And it ended on extremely mutual terms.

He asked me to promise him to keep in touch. I did, and he didn't. I eventually gave up. I don't blame him though. Some people are not strong enough to build back a friendship after a painful history. I went on with my life for one year, not knowing that one thing that was made so inconspicuous from my vision. But now that it is out in the open, I don't seek revenge or ill-will on him. It was he who told me that people don't do bad things for no reason, and I can sincerely say I know that reason. All is forgiven but never forgotten. However, I do speak fondly of him whenever his name is brought up. He's a great guy, and I do wonder from time to time how he is doing with his new girlfriend. But my biggest hopes for him is that he has learnt from the love we had, because I definitely have, and for that I am grateful. I have accepted the fact that I do have my flaws and if you follow my blog, you will come to know that I am still humbly learning how to cope with them.

In fact, this confrontation has given me the impression that he has grown from our relationship too. The fact that you have posted up this very comment, valiantly defending him for the person he his and attacking someone who affected his life profoundly in the past, is a natural response from someone who is loved and treated right. Suffice to say that I am proud.

As you would have noticed by now, I am replying under the assumption that you are indeed his girlfriend. And if you are: From the deepest, warmest part of my heart, I wish you guys the best, may you grow with each other and keep each other safe and blissful.

...But there was never a need for you to set things straight, my dear. I was there when it all happened.

14 Comments:

Anonymous midnite lily said...

=/ *hugs*

3:16 PM  
Blogger honeybosh said...

fight! fight! fight!

just kidding.

heehee.

8:27 PM  
Blogger Joy / Quilana said...

Well put, Dave. You are so completely right when you say that the karma cycle ended long before any actual cheating occured. That's a linear and objective reasoning easily forgotten in the midst of the pestering buried feeling of betrayal.

But that's the problem with relationships isn't it? Sometimes we take the comfort for granted, and forget that it takes two to tango. Then you trip each other up, get tangled for the longest time, and come out of it bruised and smarter.

But of course, it's best you guys found out that you weren't meant to fit sooner rather than later.

Nobody can blame you for trying.

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Vicky said...

Coming from a 3rd party point of view, i have always thought that relationships should be kept between 2 people and also whatever that ensues is actually between them. No doubt as friends, we should always stand by our friends, defend them and support them. But i also believe, and pretty sure most would agree, in privacy and drawing the line. The way i see it, there was no right or wrong and it is truly not ours nor is it anybody's to comment. The way i see it, "anonymous", no pun intended, u seem to care more than a friend should, which makes me wonder, if you are giving all this care and defending, why keep yourself "anonymous"? Maybe a little expose wouldn't hurt eh? Or should i say openness? ;)

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Prianna said...

That's a really mature way of handling someone who tried to attack you... Kudos D.. Kudos...

And if Anon. really is his new girlfriend- she should let it go. The past is the past and will never change what your future should be.

Sometimes things don't work out. You grow from it and move on and before you know it, you're happier with someone else.

*hugs*

take care D.

3:04 AM  
Anonymous cheryl79 said...

ya, i agree with vicky, if this girl did care for this guy so much, she wouldn't be protecting her own identity...

it's obvious that disco-very has already acknowledged what has happened and it's obvious her ex has also come to terms with their past and moved on. it's rendered this girls essay completely useless.. it's only a big emo drama rampage! how can people stay so bitter when it has come and gone so long ago? let it go woman, you're only gonna bring harm to yourself.....

9:25 AM  
Blogger sel said...

I don't know you well enough to put in my two cents.

But, its nice to see maturity in a woman.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous jason said...

no idea what went on here, but blogs are essentially "one-sided" no?

it's pissing off that someone had the nerve to go to your site and try to smear you for writing your thoughts.

2:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i was just flippin' through some blogs, and i stumbled upon yours. of course i don't know ya, but i think this post shows a lot of what's right about you. flawless reflection and rebuttal. ~stay classy

12:44 PM  
Blogger cyber-red said...

hugs babe..

profound truth..

1:04 AM  
Blogger Kenny Sia said...

The downside of having a blog is that anything and everything private will be dug out and aired publicly. Suffice to say, I'm impressed with how you handle this situation. :)

2:07 PM  
Blogger Jerral said...

Heya Count Dooku,

Assuming I didn't know either of you, I'd just say it's been more than a year since it's all happened. You've let go, he's let go, I don't think anyone else has any right to try to hold on to it.

If my friends still carried my old issues with my ex girlfriends and their friends carried their old issues with me, I'd probably be making bets with my exes to see who'd have the funniest surprised look when we're actually seen catching up over coffee.

I'm in support of anyone who holds her head underwater for 3 minutes and doesn't die. :)

7:22 PM  
Blogger mob1900 said...

ahhh... Young Love. twas long -long time ago. a little controversy is nice to live by, ya. whatever you have back then is between you and him. nothing more, nothing less and no one else should be bothered.

4:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I happened to stumble upon this interesting post of yours.

Considering that I was a spectator during the entire incident, I must say that you have come out of it very well and your rebuttal have been well reflected and matured.

Well done.

10:04 PM  

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